The Value Of Project X.

I just realised I haven’t written a blog post all of June. This is a bit hard for me to believe since I’ve had about 300 ideas for them – however, like the true spastic with ADD that I am, I’ve been unable to ensure any of these ideas make it to final fruition. However, since I’m going on holiday for a month from tomorrow, I felt I should give y’all at leats one post. And today I want to talk about Project X.

No, not some top secret government experiment that I found after I broke into the CSIRO labs. I’m talking about Project X the movie.

By now, I’m guessing most of you will have at least heard of the movie if not seen it. Short summary for those who’re getting Wi-Fi from under a rock – teenager’s parents go away on his birthday, he throws a party while egged on by best mates, party goes completely out of control with sidekicks fueling the fire, he’s fucked when he gets home, and it’s all filmed in Blair Witch pseudocumentary style supposedly by one of their mates following them. Oh, and there’s plenty of boobs, drinking, drugs and dubstep to keep the shit rolling.

I’m not interested in reviewing the movie. While I enjoyed it, I did so not because I cared for or about the characters in the way I did with American Pie (I didn’t) or because it was particularly well written or directed (it wasn’t).

No, when I watched Project X I was enthralled because I realised that I was basically seeing the concept of the “party movie” taken to its ultimate conclusion. I enjoy party movies, but what I don’t always enjoy is the undercurrent of sentimentality and morality that often permeates even the best of them. Project X has very little of that – when it tries to squeeze some in at the end it falls flat on its face. What it does better than any movie I’ve ever seen is take the teenage party concept to a level previously unseen in any movie before. At the end young protagonist and party host Thomas suggests to his dad that nearly two thousand people showed up to his party (with the house and neighbourhood in ruins) and this figure seems totally believable. I can't imagine how you could ever have a house party (on the big screen or in real life) that could top Project X. Well, maybe the same without the psychotic drug dealer and his flamethrower at the end. But still.

Again, boobs, booze, drugs and dubstep are not new to the big screen. But never before have they all come together with the complete lack of moral core and decency like they do in Project X. This lack of morality within the main characters is what most of the critics have been tut-tutting over before handing out one star reviews – but that’s the point.

Now, I freely admit that I’m not a very good human being. In fact, by most estimations, I’m a complete cunt. And most of the people I know, who I grew up and went to school with, are complete cunts as well. The guys in Project X are the same. I know I was and still am a lot like Costa. I had friends who were like Thomas and JB. There’s no artificial sweetness to them the way that so many other teenage lunatics in movies (yes I’m looking at you Superbad) are seemingly given in post-production. This is today’s teenager/young adult laid out for you. Don’t like it? Well, adults raised us and the media they created babysat us.

Project X is of course loosely based on cunt prince Corey Delaney and his party of a few years ago. I haven't met anyone between 16 and 25 from Melbourne who hasn't either claimed to have been at his party or at least had a friend who went, which just goes to prove that for our generation obsessed with fame, a brush with infamy is sometimes more than enough. 

There's a particular scene in the movie when Thomas, on the roof with the news chopper flying overhead and all the partiers surrounding the house, flips them off. It sums up not only the movie but our entire generation - the finger given in faux-anger while reveling in the attention, knowing that this moment will live forever.

Review: American Pie Reunion.

Here's something I've never said too many times before:

I saw my first pair of breasts in American Pie 2.

I was 11, and a mate of mine who had an older brother working at the movies snuck us into the theatre. While my childhood was hardly sheltered - growing up in Brighton next door to bikers meant that I knew a few things - I still was somewhat uneducated in matters of women and sex. To me, seeing a pair of boobies - with real nipples! - was the then-highlight of my life.

It may seem quaint to little dudes today who're watching triple penetration videos on Pornhub before their 10th birthdays - but there was actually an age where porn was not on the internet. And even after it came up, there was also an age where internet connections were so slow and cost so much to stream, forget about download. Point is, I was an innocent kid. Not for long after this, mind. But that moment in time will always have a special place in my heart.

It's moments like this which is why American Pie: Reunion was always a good idea. For a generation of young dudes (and chicks, to a lesser extent) between about 18 and 25, the first three Pie flicks were our first coming-of-age movies, as they came to us as we began to navigate the quagmire that is puberty. And in a way, I don't think that was such a bad thing. Of course, maybe this isn't a great bit of advice from a self-professed whoremonger and cokehead, but I don't think that I got that way cause I snuck into American Pie 2.

Sure, the movies are loud, rude, dirty and have way too many masturbation-related accidents. But honestly? I failed to see what's wrong with the moral code of the main characters (Well, except Stifler) or the major acts they take with their relationships (especially Jim and Oz). Morality aside, it's the loud, rude and dirty part that lived on in most minds for all these years and is probably the real reason why the original trilogy maintains a special place in hearts and minds.

There are probably many cynical reasons as to why this movie was made. Let's face it - of the original ensemble, who went on to major success? Alyson Hannigan's got How I Met Your Mother...and that's really about it. Most of them haven't been able to avoid being typecast. (The Asian MILF guy ) So it's probably fair to assume that some cash and revival of the glory days was a major factor.

However, I couldn't give two shits. Let me put it this way - if this had been a movie with Jim, Stifler and Finch (and I suppose Oz and the guy who went down on Tara Reid also) sitting on the toilet and taking shits for 90 minutes, I would have paid money to see it.

Still, I wasn't really expecting much. I would have settled for a few good dick jokes and some boobies.

And you know what? I got them both, along with a plot that actually makes sense and - this was what made the first three movies so great - character flows that I actually cared about.

I'm not gonna bother re-hashing the plot here, plus I'm guessing some of you haven't seen it yet. But there's one scene that in particular stuck with me - when Stifler, seeking to get revenge on the new generation of high school jocks, takes a shit in their beer Esky before hooking their jet skis up to his truck and dragging them out with "Na Na Na" by My Chemical Romance in the background.

For all the talk that this would be the last American Pie movie, the ending does leave open the possibility of future movies. Maybe in another 15 years we'll see Jim trying to counsel his son on sex and masturbation, and who knows. Maybe he'll have aged a bit also. Seriously, the freakiest thing about the whole film? Other than Heather (Mena Suvari, my first girl crush) and Kevin's beard, literally none of the characters look like they've aged. In Tara Reid's case this makes sense since she's Botoxed to oblivion, and Alyson Hannigan's changes are less noticeable since she's been on our screens for the last few years. But the fact that most of the others look basically the same as they did 8 years ago is a little freaky.

If future movies are to be made, it wouldn't be a bad idea to have new girl Kara (Ali Cobrin) play a role at some point. Her role is one that could easily have been played badly - little girl all grown up who happens to have a crush on her former babysitter Jim and wants him to take her virginity - but Cobrin manages to get the right mix of cute and sexy.

Look, there's no real point in me even attempting to review this movie objectively. The fact is, after all these years the American Pie gang can still make me laugh. And that's really all I ask from them.