Here's something I've never said too many times before:
I saw my first pair of breasts in American Pie 2.
I was 11, and a mate of mine who had an older brother working at the movies snuck us into the theatre. While my childhood was hardly sheltered - growing up in Brighton next door to bikers meant that I knew a few things - I still was somewhat uneducated in matters of women and sex. To me, seeing a pair of boobies - with real nipples! - was the then-highlight of my life.
It may seem quaint to little dudes today who're watching triple penetration videos on Pornhub before their 10th birthdays - but there was actually an age where porn was not on the internet. And even after it came up, there was also an age where internet connections were so slow and cost so much to stream, forget about download. Point is, I was an innocent kid. Not for long after this, mind. But that moment in time will always have a special place in my heart.
It's moments like this which is why American Pie: Reunion was always a good idea. For a generation of young dudes (and chicks, to a lesser extent) between about 18 and 25, the first three Pie flicks were our first coming-of-age movies, as they came to us as we began to navigate the quagmire that is puberty. And in a way, I don't think that was such a bad thing. Of course, maybe this isn't a great bit of advice from a self-professed whoremonger and cokehead, but I don't think that I got that way cause I snuck into American Pie 2.
Sure, the movies are loud, rude, dirty and have way too many masturbation-related accidents. But honestly? I failed to see what's wrong with the moral code of the main characters (Well, except Stifler) or the major acts they take with their relationships (especially Jim and Oz). Morality aside, it's the loud, rude and dirty part that lived on in most minds for all these years and is probably the real reason why the original trilogy maintains a special place in hearts and minds.
There are probably many cynical reasons as to why this movie was made. Let's face it - of the original ensemble, who went on to major success? Alyson Hannigan's got How I Met Your Mother...and that's really about it. Most of them haven't been able to avoid being typecast. (The Asian MILF guy ) So it's probably fair to assume that some cash and revival of the glory days was a major factor.
However, I couldn't give two shits. Let me put it this way - if this had been a movie with Jim, Stifler and Finch (and I suppose Oz and the guy who went down on Tara Reid also) sitting on the toilet and taking shits for 90 minutes, I would have paid money to see it.
Still, I wasn't really expecting much. I would have settled for a few good dick jokes and some boobies.
And you know what? I got them both, along with a plot that actually makes sense and - this was what made the first three movies so great - character flows that I actually cared about.
I'm not gonna bother re-hashing the plot here, plus I'm guessing some of you haven't seen it yet. But there's one scene that in particular stuck with me - when Stifler, seeking to get revenge on the new generation of high school jocks, takes a shit in their beer Esky before hooking their jet skis up to his truck and dragging them out with "Na Na Na" by My Chemical Romance in the background.
For all the talk that this would be the last American Pie movie, the ending does leave open the possibility of future movies. Maybe in another 15 years we'll see Jim trying to counsel his son on sex and masturbation, and who knows. Maybe he'll have aged a bit also. Seriously, the freakiest thing about the whole film? Other than Heather (Mena Suvari, my first girl crush) and Kevin's beard, literally none of the characters look like they've aged. In Tara Reid's case this makes sense since she's Botoxed to oblivion, and Alyson Hannigan's changes are less noticeable since she's been on our screens for the last few years. But the fact that most of the others look basically the same as they did 8 years ago is a little freaky.
If future movies are to be made, it wouldn't be a bad idea to have new girl Kara (Ali Cobrin) play a role at some point. Her role is one that could easily have been played badly - little girl all grown up who happens to have a crush on her former babysitter Jim and wants him to take her virginity - but Cobrin manages to get the right mix of cute and sexy.
Look, there's no real point in me even attempting to review this movie objectively. The fact is, after all these years the American Pie gang can still make me laugh. And that's really all I ask from them.